....just before we left Australia my Mum was diagnosed with the big C. My Mums cancer turned out to be endometrial (not a good one to have). It also turns out to be extremely aggressive. Tumours growing from almost nothing to 5cm in a few weeks.
It was hard to leave Brisbane and now I am finding it even harder to stay in London. My heroic sister is doing all she can to steer the ship from her home next door to my parents, but everyday I feel that I should be there. There to help, there to support and there just to be.... to be close to my Mum in her possible last weeks, months or years. Death is so final, and once time has gone - you don't get it back.
I crashed yesterday when for some reason the conversations I had with my sis and my Mum brought it all home to me. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was on the wrong side of the planet. In the wrong place. I shouldn't be here, I should be there.
Meanwhile my little family is here. My young boys need me, my husband needs me. My life is here right now.
I am torn.
How do I stay ok?
I say to myself that death comes to us all. We are all going to the same place or the same space - whatever or wherever it might be. Everyone and everything dies. Death is as much life as life is death. I need to grow comfortable with the idea that my Mum won't be around for much longer. My mum lives inside my phone or my laptop but soon even that will be no more.
The upside to cancer is that we get time to say goodbye. Time to laugh and giggle together as only the three of us can. To watch another thunderstorm roll in from my childhood verandah together and break into song and dance in the kitchen while cooking dinner. This is what I need to go home for. I feel a piece of my family is missing when I'm not there and that is a void I long to fill.
If our situation allows I will fly home at the end of January to be with my Mum. I can only hope that her health is ok and we will share some laughs, some moments, some joys and maybe some tears.
In the meantime I need to accept my circumstance and be grateful for what I do have and for the life that flows through us all. Mum is still on Earth and I am grateful for that. I still have time.